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The Ending, And What Happened After It

The Ending, And What Happened After It

I actually did not wind up going home that night—I don’t imagine that surprises you. I actually had to go in and explain myself to Adnan and Kay and Mark and Pete. Actually, when I walked in, sopping wet and clutching my muddy backpack, Adnan exclaimed, “Shit, you’re back together!”

I looked at him quizzically. “How did you know?”

“Holy fuckballs!” he screeched. “I’m not retarded.”

The First Good Night

The First Good Night

There was a pattern establishing in the first month. Everyone was tired and everyone was laconic and everyone couldn’t be bothered to do anything except what they absolutely felt they had to do.

However, “what they absolutely felt they had to do” included me. “What they absolutely felt they had to do” included me particularly insofar as Craig was concerned. But it absolutely did not include me as far as Kyle was concerned, which I sort of enjoyed.

A Saturday Confrontation

A Saturday Confrontation

It was, perhaps, less of a confrontation than a straight-up argument. But it was definitely the first time Kyle and I fought.

A Comparison I Could Not Help But Make:
Kyle and I had a serious fight within a month of the start of our relationship. Ian and I had a serious fight within three and a half years of the start of our relationship. And so many it had been a mere three or so months within the start of our marriage, but that was a different issue altogether.

A Lesson Learned

A Lesson Learned

That night, the night of the first meeting, I made a discovery.

My Discovery:
There was something about habits. I could form a different habit. Maybe it wasn’t healthy, and maybe it wasn’t right, but it was the only thing that I could think to do. Other than that, I thought that this situation, this rule of no-contact might kill me. And maybe that was a bit melodramatic. But that was how I felt, anyway.

And shortly after that, I learned a lesson, learned it of my own accord.

An Unfortunate Meeting

An Unfortunate Meeting

Eventually there was nothing else to do—I had to leave the trailer and I had to do it without slinking around, afraid of seeing Ian or Rae or anyone else who might be harboring unfavorable feelings towards me. I did, however, go out with Kyle at my side. I was being a little more brave than I might otherwise have been—that didn’t mean I was being more stupid than I would have been. I had no desire to repeat the unfortunate experience I’d had when I’d gone out the last time.

I was tense as we sat down in the dining hall tent thing—or whatever you wanted to call it. Kyle noticed. “What’s the matter?” he asked me—slightly more irritated than concerned. He had been sleeping when I’d gotten hungry, and I’d more or less insisted that he get up and go get dinner with me, and that he could go back to bed as soon as we were done eating. Long story short, that hadn’t exactly made Kyle too happy. I mean, he had come, but he wasn’t too happy about it.

Discovery

Discovery

I found out not too long later.

It hurt.

And it made me feel guilty, because I had done the same thing.

I hated her.

Thing I Discovered:
Ian was with Rae, now. Rae was with Ian. Ian and Rae were together.
That stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid girl had won.
If I had seen her at any point during those days, I just might have killed her.

Three Days

Three Days

I spent approximately three days holed up inside. It wasn’t like I was afraid to go out. It just seemed that there was nothing out there that I really needed. There was always food inside, there was always company inside. There was a shower and a bathroom inside. There were books I hadn’t read and there was a TV and there was never Molly.

And during those three days, Craig and I became acquainted. I saw his twin from time to time, and as I got to know them more and more, particularly Craig, it began to shock me that I hadn’t been able to tell them apart, initially. Craig had the wicked sense of humor, the sharp wit, the jokes always on his tongue. He had a good heart and a bright mind and knew what was going on around him. He was clever.

Another Past Happening

Another Past Happening

As corny and clichéd as it may sound, it happened after our junior prom. It had been more than I year since I’d started going out with Ian and I was indisputably in love. And we were utterly unopposed. My parents had never really cared. After all, they hadn’t gotten married until I was six. And Ian wasn’t the girl. His parents were less concerned for him than they were for me, which was bizarre, or so I thought. They were convinced that I was going to end up pregnant or something. If I had been Ian, I might have been a little peeved, to be perfectly honest. They didn’t have a whole hell of a lot of faith in him.

And so after waking up and going to the beach with the rest of our graduating class, we went to go see Ian’s parents. If we had stayed away much longer, they would have become to worry.

First Morning

First Morning

The next morning, I woke up to a loud knocking.

Something I Hadn’t Remembered:
Kay was due to come back the night before. She would have, undoubtedly, heard the story.
This was certainly her, knocking on the door.
She would be pissed.

Wearily, Craig rolled out of the bottom bunk and opened the door. I kept my eyes closed tightly and pretended that I didn’t exist. It wasn’t an easy thing to pretend, let me tell you.

Moved

Moved

After that, there was nothing left for me to do but stand there and stare at Kyle. And there were a horrifying several seconds when I was sure—absolutely certain—that he, too, was going to walk away from me. But then he grabbed my hand, muttered, “Let’s get out of here,” and dragged me out an exit through the back. I was glad he had the foresight not to go the same way Ian had. I wouldn’t have been able to object. I was really just a passive participant right then. I couldn’t have changed course if Kyle had been dragging me off the edge of a cliff.

I wanted to cry, but I knew I couldn’t do that in front of Kyle. It simply wasn’t fair. Not to him, not to me, not to anyone. And so I just let him drag me along, commanding and cool and calm. Kyle just gave that impression of being dependable and resilient and strong—he could take care of himself, and he could take care of me, and everything would be okay if I just followed him.
That was a lie, though. I had a frozen frame of Ian’s expression playing over and over and over in my mind’s eye.

Of Course

Of Course

Have you ever noticed that things always come when you stop looking for them? Always. It is a foolproof circumstance. Which is why, for the few days after Molly walked in on me, in the days when I was sitting around nervously, waiting for something terrible to happen, nothing happened. But it was after almost a week and a half, after one point five more assignations with Kyle, that the very thing I had been dreading came to pass.

We were sitting at dinner. Of course we were sitting at dinner. And I was sitting next to Kyle when Rae remarked, “You know, I just think it’s so sweet that you two are still friends!” I felt my hands, all of a sudden, turn very, very cold. I knew exactly what she was doing here.

Two

Two

I had dinner with Ian that night. The next day we moved to a new campsite. I stopped in at the library in the new town and shot off an email to my mom and dad, another to Kay, who wasn’t around us at present, and a third to Ian, just for fun, just so he would have it next time he checked.

Message:
I love you.
-Sloan

What I didn’t know was that correspondence by email would feel almost intimate after the next few days we had. The distance was killing me.

Encounter

Encounter

Ian and I shared a bunk again that night. And so maybe it wasn’t the most romantic of situations—partly, but not wholly, because Adnan was scant feet away, snoring like a bear—but it was progress. We were together again, and Ian kissed me soundly before we went to sleep.

And I knew a relationship wasn’t all about the sex or about the exciting times or the events, but there had to be some degree of these things. There had to be some sort of physical manifestation of his feelings. There had to be some amount of time dedicated to a show of care.

Statues

Statues

I sat, still as a statue, stiff as a statue, stoic at a statue, at dinner. I quite possibly despised Rae.

I mean, it is one thing to have feelings for a boy who is taken. All of us have been there. Boys who are forbidden are always just that more appealing, more attractive, nice, sweet, hot, funny, clever, and generally awesome. That’s why they’re taken. Obviously. So the only thing you can do is want them from afar and drool over their soccer wins or guitar solos or whatever it is they do. And wait and hope that they break up with their hot girlfriend (because, let’s face it, she’s always hot), and then you plan that accidental meeting, where you oh-so-innocently bump into him and then you start talking and fall in love forever and ever—or at least that’s how it happens in your head because you can’t help but daydream.

At the Laundromat

At the Laundromat

I took the van and took my laundry and took Mark’s laundry (because Kay was at home) and took Adnan’s laundry and left Ian’s. Perhaps that was petty of me, considering I had just cheated on him, but if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t be feeling guilty, and I wouldn’t have been doing his laundry, and I didn’t want him to suspect that I had, even though he was generally a straightforward person and most likely wouldn’t have suspected any such thing—on the contrary, he probably would have just been grateful that I’d done his laundry and left it at that. But I was feeling guilty and that led to suspicion and my stomach hurt.

Hester Prynne

Hester Prynne

We couldn’t very well stay in that tent. Anyone could have walked in. Hell, Ian could have walked in—I didn’t see why he would have, but he could have, and that was a possibility I couldn’t deal with. No matter what was happening here, I didn’t want to hurt him. Sure, maybe he’d made me feel like absolute shit in the past few weeks, and maybe I wasn’t really too happy with him at the moment, but I still loved the guy. Like and love were different and neither mutually exclusive nor inclusive.

Wrong

Wrong

I found him drumming. He was alone, assigned to a different tent than Feral Children this time around. He wasn’t paying perfect attention to anything but the drums. I stood just inside the door, watching him play, and trying to keep my face composed. He certainly was a better player than Pete, though less flashy. This was rhythm, not just flashy drum solo after flashy drum solo.

When he was finished, he looked up. When he looked up, he saw me. When he saw me, he stood, and his face crumpled into a question. And I thought I’d done well in hiding whatever it was I was feeling. Whatever was I feeling?

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Goodnight

Goodnight

When I got back to the trailer, the lights were off. When I got inside, everyone was asleep. I crawled up onto Pete’s unused bunk and cried a little before I fell asleep.

I woke up in the morning to Ian. He didn’t look precisely mad, but he didn’t look precisely thrilled with me, either. “Where in God’s name were you yesterday?” His voice broke on the verb. His hand was on my shoulder—that was what had woken me up. “Do you have any idea how freaked out I was when I woke up and you weren’t there? Seriously, Sloan, it was bad enough not knowing last night, and I was freaked then. You nearly gave me a fucking heart attack.”

Nighttime

Nighttime

Who: The six of us: Craig, Hank, Kyle, Keeley, Dave, and me. It was a curious sense of “us,” perhaps one that I wasn’t used to, but certainly it felt like an “us.” It was a very chill atmosphere, everyone just lying around, in a comfortable silence. This was nice. For the first time in hanging out with them, I really felt like I was a part of everything. And that was cool. I didn’t really feel too much like a part of the group I was actually a part of, recently. It was uncomfortable to feel like you weren’t part of anything at all, and being part of a second-choice something was better than nothing.

During a Performance

During a Performance

“Hey there, Baby Sloan.”

On a Wednesday night, while Feral Children was playing, I was watching some band I had never seen before. Ian had been busy today, busy enough that he wasn’t paying me any mind, and so my non-presence tonight was probably the first time he’d realize that I was fastidiously ignoring him. I was frustrated; it drove me positively and absolutely insane that he didn’t notice.

Another Whispered Conversation

Another Whispered Conversation

“You awake, Ian?”

“Yeah. What’s up?”

“Are we too crazy busy tomorrow? Like, schedules micromanaged to the minute busy? Like, Kay has already written out tasks for us to take care of on little Post It notes so that none of us can have any excuse to deviate for a single second? Like, we’re going to drag Pete from the arms of his beloved Jenna and maybe actually keep him long enough that he’ll sleep in his own bunk for a night?”

A Note From the Past

A Note from the Past

Sophomore year of high school. I was sixteen and innocent, naïve and pure, and wasn’t learning too much that wasn’t academics. I wasn’t learning too much that was academics. I’d never been much of an academic.

“Do you know where room two seventeen is?”

I never could decide if the words that started the most important love affair of my young life would be “do you know where room two seventeen is?” But they were, and they were asked by this pretty, skinny redheaded boy with green eyes. He was smiling at me. I didn’t read anything into it.

Age Difference

Age Difference

I was practicing one day with Keeley, with Dave and Kyle lying on their respective beds—and let me tell you, having the two of them present made me very, very nervous; I had never been one for audiences, and my playing for three people absolutely constituted an audience—when Keel exclaimed, “Well, screw this. I want a drink.” We’d been practicing for about three hours. I couldn’t blame her. My hands were tired, too.

At the word “drink”, both Dave and Kyle perked up. From under one of the bunks, where we kept our clothes, a cooler of beer. And it wasn’t as if I’d never drunk before. I always went to all the parties that Kay had frequented before she’d started dating Mark. But when Keel handed me one without appearing to think about it, I had to wonder if they knew I was only eighteen.

A Whispered Conversation

A Whispered Conversation

“I’m really, really glad you’re here.”

“I know. I’m glad I’m here, too, Ian.”

“Did you know that I was really afraid you wouldn’t want to marry me? And then I didn’t know if I should ask, because I wasn’t sure if you said no, if that would count as you breaking up with me. I really got on Pete’s nerves, worrying about it so much.”

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After Several Days, Something Happened

After Several Days, Something Happened

On the second day, we travelled to a new site. On the third day, we set everything up again. On the fourth day was the second performance. On the fifth day I stopped counting, because we’d begun to do everything again. Things were, in a word, hectic. There was no time to make new friends. Kay took the van and travelled back and forth between us and home, because she apparently had things to be doing.

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The First Stage (Appearance)

The First Stage (Appearance)

The first morning was not like the first night. When I woke up, Ian was already gone—how he’d managed to get out of the honeycomb bed without waking me, I was never sure; things were cramped as could be in there.

And the first morning was not like any morning before, because I when I woke up at eight thirty, things were loud. The opening of the festival was, apparently, an event to be celebrated.

Night One

Night One

Our sleeping and traveling setup was larger than the van, but smaller than a bus. To me, it almost had the feeling that I would expect a ship to have—if I could judge anything from the impression I got from the movies. Narrow beds—though perhaps they weren’t accurately described as beds; they were more cots, or cells, like in a beehive—stacked neatly, one on top of the other, two on each side. Privacy was a nonentity. The bathroom was miniscule. Kay declared, first thing upon entering, that we could use the bathroom for its traditional use only in the event of an emergency. Showering was permitted.

All being paranoid types, or perhaps just reasonable, Adnan, Ian, and Mark had brought their guitars back to this trailer with them. Suitcases and duffel bags were shoved under the cots, and we were ready for action.

Other Him

Other Him

Appearance: Nothing impressive upon first glance, but surprisingly intense when he started drumming. I got to watch him drumming as all my friends fiddled with equipment that wasn’t mine. And maybe I could have helped set it up, and maybe I ought to have, but I was really more interested in watching Cremnomania set up their stuff and begin to rehearse.

Sounds: Good, as far as I know drums, which is only middling.

Seems: Mysterious.

Gone

Gone

We arrived. It was a slow, and laborious process, but eventually we did arrive, with metaphorical sweat on our brows—with the bright, eager smiles of excited children—with the endearing naiveté of kids who simply had no idea what they were getting into.

I had never before been to a music festival. Before Ian, I didn’t really listen to too much music. I mean, I listened, but I listened in the way a little fan girl listens, to the four of five bands that she really likes. Then there was Ian.

Sixteen Hours

Sixteen Hours

An Unexpected Truth:
We were headed for Georgia, not Virginia.

Apparently Kay has a head for the details. Or maybe it was just that I was a bit too engrossed with reading The Prince one-handed and not shoving Pete onto the floor and listening to Adnan’s snoring to realize that we’d been driving far too long to be going to Virginia. I used to drive to Virginia all the time when I was a kid, and I knew that it only took six hours.

It didn’t really matter where we were going, though. I was with my best friend, and her boyfriend, and my boyfriend and his best friend who was my best enemy and a really loud Arabic kid who cursed like a sailor. I was amongst good company.

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Going

Going

This whole situation was very different from my norm. It was a combination of things upon things that I did not enjoy, and yet, for some unfathomable reason, I was putting myself through it. I was putting myself through it against the better wishes of my parents, and the logical appeal of my peers, and the bitter disappointment of my teachers, who apparently thought I was kind of a smart kid.

Things I Do Not Like:
1.) Traveling, particularly in cars.
2.) Not being able to shower, bathe, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face, or perform other necessary life functions with ease.
3.) Eating peanut-butter sandwiches for a day and a half.
4.) Pete.

Him

Him

Name: Ian McLellan

Ian was a family name. McLellan was a family name. As far as nomenclature goes, Ian’s family is all about family. Practically all the boys are named Ian, all the girls Katie. Frankly, I’m surprised they didn’t make me change my name before I joined the clan.

They’re a good bunch, though. They took in, with open arms, the girl who was named after a hospital.

Hometown: Plainfield, New Jersey. Moved to Atlantic Highlands when he was fourteen.

Me

Me

Name: Sloan Kettering McLellan

During my childhood, I have heard every joke available to be made about my joke. Really, it’s no surprise that I got married so young, if only so I could stop introducing myself as “Sloan Kettering, yes like the hospital, yes like the university.”

At the time of my birth, my mom’s last name was actually not Kettering, and so she wasn’t really thinking about the social stigma that my name would be. My dad wasn’t actually there for any damage control. What my mom was thinking about was that she was watching Ferris Bueller’s Day Off and that the main female character was Jennifer Grey, but if any child was going to be named after Jennifer Grey, it had to be from Dirty Dancing and no way was she going to name her baby “Baby,” and so she’d have to go with that other character, Sloan, with that actress that nobody really knows.

Now

Now

They told me not to do this.

They:
My mother, my father, my older sister, my guidance counselor, and, I think, my English teacher.

I, of course, didn’t listen. I didn’t regret listening. But sometimes, when I was like this, with the knob for the strap on Ian’s guitar jabbing me in the side, and an endless stream of nothing rolling past my window, and me in the second-to-last seat of the van—sometimes, when I was like this, I had a tiny nagging thought at the back of my mind: maybe they had had a point.

We were heading for someplace in Virginia. I was the girl who was supposed to know all the details about, so maybe I should have known with a little more precision where I was headed first, but I wasn’t taking turns driving, because I tend to mutter under my breath when I’m driving, and that annoys Pete. It annoys Pete so much that he offered to take all my turns driving. I didn’t object.